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Jokes Worth Telling
Do you have a good sense of humor? I suppose we have all had someone ask us such a question. Well. I must confess that I enjoy a funny story, a witty remark, and a well-done cartoon. I have saved some of the better ones and my collection has grown over the years.
Ever since the ancient Greeks, humor has been the subject of endless discussion and study. I believe it is a vital and healthy part of daily life. Being able to laugh is one of God’s gifts to humankind, and we humans are proof of the fact that God has the greatest sense of humor of all.
Whether something strikes us as funny or not depends on a large set of variables, but humor serves many useful functions in our lives. For example, laughing at others may allow us to express hostility in a safe way and without fear of retaliation. Just imagine the humor of a cartoon where your boss is walking across the room and slips on a banana peeling. Would your boss also see that as humorous?
Often we laugh with others and that helps to create a sense of solidarity for our club, school, country, or other such group. Many times our group is the butt of the joke, and our own members create the humor about us.
Laughing at ourselves can keep us from being overwhelmed by events of life, and thereby release tensions. Some of the greatest and most successful comedians of the past have used this form of humor repeatedly.
Humor in daily life not only serves useful functions, but it comes in endless forms. We may express it in songs, stories, witty remarks, definitions, epigrams, limericks, and cartoons - to name a few ways. In addition, humor may be enjoyed with a faint smile, slight grin, open chuckle, or uncontrollable and hysterical laughter.
The appeal to our “funny bone” is likely to be in the gross exaggeration of something from everyday life. Or it may be the idea of superiority shown by the weak person who wins over the much stronger one. The ridiculous, absurd and preposterous action or statement makes us laugh. Sudden contrast or the unexpected turn of events will usually cause mirth. Look for a few smiles as I share with you some from my collection.
LEAN BACK AND RELAX
Recently I flew across country. As we began to taxi out toward the runway, an announcement came over the plane’s intercom.
“Welcome aboard flight 131, and thank you for flying with us. This is your pilot speaking. You should know, however, that I am not a human pilot. There is no human pilot on board this flight today. I am a computer programmed to fly you to your destination in complete safety. Be assured that I am programmed to provide you with a speedy and enjoyable trip. So, lean back, relax, and have a safe flight, have a safe flight, have a safe flight.”
PASS THE FRIED CHICKEN
Once the city preacher was invited to speak at a Church out in the country. In was August and very hot. It had not rained in many weeks and farmers were feeling the bad effects of the drought. Even so, they turned out in good numbers for the Sunday morning service.
After Church was over one of the families invited the preacher and his family to come home with them for dinner. They gladly accepted the invitation. When they sat down to eat they asked grace, then began passing the platter piled high with fried chicken.
One of the preacher’s boys was especially hungry, so he took three big pieces of chicken. His mother was nearly embarrassed to tears, and she said firmly: “Jack, don’t act like you left your manners at home. Put two pieces of that chicken back!”
But the lady of the house came to his defense. “Oh, don’t you worry about that boy - let him have all the chicken he wants. This weather has been so hot the chickens are dying a lot faster than I can cook ‘em!”
THEIR ANNIVERSARY
The happily married couple had celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. After all the guests had gone, they sat by the fire talking. The wife said to her husband: “Since we’re getting old one of us may die before too many more years. If I should die first, do you think you might get married again?”
The husband replied: “Yes, I would be very lonely, so I suppose I would get married again.”
“Would you let your new wife have my favorite chair?”
“Well, yes, I suppose I would let her have your chair.”
“And would you let your new wife have my side of our bed?”
“Well, yes, I suppose I would.”
“What about my brand new set of golf clubs? Would you let her have my new golf clubs?”
“No, she couldn’t have your golf clubs.”
“What? If you let her have my favorite chair, and my side on the bed, why wouldn’t you let her have my golf clubs too?”
“That easy. Because she’s left- handed!”
GETTING READY
Did you hear about the lady who had been married four times? And the men were from very different backgrounds too. First, there was the rich banker; then a popular singer; third, she married a pious minister; and last she married an undertaker. When questioned about this assortment of husbands she explained there was a logical reason for marrying each one.
One for the money, two for the show, three to make ready, and four to go!
GET IT ORGANIZED
There was a preacher who died and to his utter and complete amazement he started going down, down, down instead of up, up, up! Finally, he arrived at the place down below. Well, without wasting any time he started trying to get the whole place organized. He appointed committees, made assignments, and gave orders to everyone there. In fact, he was giving everybody such a bad time that a committee came to talk with him about his bossy ways. The spokesman said, “We don’t like what you are doing! Ever since you got here you have been running around acting like you own the place.”
The preacher replied, “Oh, but I do own the place. Just before I died my deacons gave it to me!”
THE TWO FLIES
There is the fable about two flies that were buzzing around a messy kitchen and landed on the handle of a knife. They gorged themselves on the leftover particles of bologna on the knife. Then when they became airborne again, they felt dizzy and dropped to the floor dead. The moral of this story is: Don’t fly off the handle when you are full of bologna!”
CHICKEN AND PIG
A chicken and a pig were standing across the road from a little country cafe watching the satisfied breakfast customer’s leave.
The chicken said: “Doesn’t it make you feel really good to know we can help people become satisfied like that?”
To which the pig replied: “It’s easy for you to say because all you do is make a small contribution to their breakfast. With me it’s total commitment!”
NOT SO FAST
The Platoon Sergeant was given the message to deliver that Pvt. Kowalski’s father had died. The Sergeant entered the barracks and yelled: “Kowalski - your old man just died!” Poor Pvt. Kowalski suffered a terrible shock to learn that his Father had died, and to have the message delivered in such a crude, unfeeling manner.
When the Captain heard what had happened he called the Sergeant into his office and chewed him out for being so uncaring in his ways. “As a matter of fact,” said the Captain, “I’m sending you to a course on the leadership of men to see if you can learn to be more thoughtful toward your recruits.”
So the Sergeant went off to a four-week course. On the very day he returned the Sergeant was given the sad news that Mrs. Kowalski had suddenly died. The Sergeant was admonished to make use of his training when he delivered the message. He had the platoon fall in out in front of the barracks. “All right men, listen up. Every man with a living mother take three paces forward. NOT SO FAST KOWALSKI.”
DINNER READY?
The husband returned home from work and asked his new wife: “What’s for dinner, honey?”
“Roast beef,” she replied.
“But why do you have a big roast and a little roast cooking in the oven?”
“Why, that’s simple,” she said. “When the little roast gets all burned up, then I know the big one is about ready to serve.”
CUTTING THE GRASS
The new pastor was having a discussion with the deacons about the lawn at the parsonage. The deacons objected that he was paying the boy next door to cut the grass each week. One deacon commented: “The last pastor cut the grass himself every week.”
The new pastor said: “Yes, I know that. As a matter of fact I talked with him about that the other day, but he said he wouldn’t do it any more.”
IT CURED HER
Granny Brown, who had recently turned 95, developed a terrible case of hiccups. She used all the tried and true remedies, but nothing would stop her hiccups. Finally, she was so desperate that she went to the old town doctor.
Soon after entering the examining room, she began to scream so loud that she could be heard across the street. Just a minute later she ran through the waiting room and out the door - still screaming.
One of the waiting patients asked the kindly old doctor what was wrong with Granny Brown. “Well,” said the physician, “Granny has had the hiccups for over a week and nothing would stop them. So I told her it was because she was pregnant.”
“Now, Doc, you and I both know she’s 95 and can’t get pregnant.”
“Well, of course we know that; but it shocked her so bad it stopped the hiccups.”
SEND TRANQUILIZERS
A man called his family doctor and said: “Doc, send my wife some tranquilizers quick. She’s suffering from severe plastic surgery.”
“What? Plastic surgery? Who did plastic surgery on her?”
“I did,” said the husband. “I just cut up all her credit cards!”
WHAT’S THE QUESTION?
It is always important to ask the right question. The little boy was sitting on the steps when a salesman came down the street. “It your mother home, son?”
“Yes, sir, she is.” The salesman went up to the door and rang the doorbell several times with no response. Then he banged on the door, and still no one came. Finally, he turned to the boy: “I thought you told me your mother was at home, boy?”
“She is home, but I live down the street.”
HERE COME THE STREAKERS
Some years ago there was a craze going around the country. The so-called streakers were shocking people by running around in the nude. It even happened that Uncle Ezra, the 89-year-old resident of the retirement home decided one day that he would become a streaker. He took off all his clothes and started running at a very slow pace down the hall toward the recreation room.
As he passed by Aunt Bessie, who could hardly see, she said: “What is that you’re doing, Ezra?”
“Why, Bessie, I’m running around in my birthday suit, that’s what!” To which Bessie said: “Well before you go off anywhere you better get that suit pressed. It’s awful wrinkled!”
JUST IN CASE
In 1 Samuel 17:40 it says that when David met the great giant Goliath for battle he took five smooth stones in his shepherd’s bag. Someone asked: “If David was such a good marksman, why did he take five stones?” The answer is that he heard Goliath had four brothers.
A PRAYING LION
A missionary was going from one village to another and had to pass through some thick jungle areas. All the sudden he came upon a lion and was struck with terror. He didn’t know what else to do so he knelt down on the jungle path to pray. To his amazement, the lion also knelt down to pray.
The missionary said: “ What a wonderful thing, a lion that prays!”
“That’s right,” said the lion. “I don’t know what you were praying about, but I always say grace before my meals.”
GOLFERS BEWARE
Several men invited their priest to play golf with them .It is charitable to say that he was not a very good golfer. He missed many simple putt shots, and was often in the rough. But his friends noticed that he never swore or got overly angry about his playing.
When the game was over the group headed for the clubhouse. One of the men raised the subject: “Father, let me ask you as a matter of information. When you make a bad shot, it’s bound to frustrate you and make you upset. It certainly does all the rest of us. We all swear a little to relieve our frustration and anger. But you never did. Would you tell us how you handle it?”
“Well,” said the priest. “Golf is a very exasperating game, and I do get very angry and bothered because I play so poorly. But I do not believe in swearing, so I spit. And you can be sure that where I spit the grass will never grow again!”
A GOOD DEAL
The department store manager was a very hard supervisor, and well known for his quick and harsh actions toward the employees. One day as he was walking around the different departments, he went into the warehouse. The first thing he saw was a young man sitting on a crate. It was obvious that he was doing no work.
The manager was furious, so he went over to him and asked: “How much are you paid a week?” The young man said: “ I make a $120.00 a week.”
Reaching into his pocket the manager counted out a $120.00, gave it to the astonished youth and told him to get out of the store immediately.
The store manager then shouted to the warehouse supervisor: “Who was the bubble headed dumbbell who hired that loafer I just fired?”
“No one, sir. He was here to pick up a package.”
THE WISE GUYS
The old New Englander was sitting in front of the general store of the small town when a carload of young wise guys from the big city drove up.
One of them called out: ”Hey, Pop. How long has this town been dead?”
Thinking a minute, the old man said: “Well, it can’t be very long. You’re the first buzzards I’ve seen.”
AN EXPENSIVE PUPPY
The little boy was sitting in front of his house waving a homemade sign. As a neighbor walked by he asked: “What are you doing there, Bill?”
“I’m selling this puppy. He only costs fifty cents.”
The neighbor explained: “Nobody would buy a puppy that cheap. You need a bigger price so folks will think he will grow up to be a great dog.”
So Bill took the advice and changed his sign to read: “Prize Puppy for only $100,000.” The neighbor laughed and went on about his business.
Later in the day, he asked Bill about his puppy. “Oh, I sold him this morning. You gave me good advice.”
“Did you get your price of $100,000, Bill?”
“Not in money, but I sure did get me two pretty $50,000 cats.”
HIDE THE TOOTHBRUSH
There was a middle age husband who was a very critical and verbally abusive fellow. He was especially outspoken in the most negative way with his wife, who was extremely shy, meek, and mild. Nevertheless, the husband was successful in his business and one day was told he was being promoted to head up an overseas branch. The company had a policy that required employees and their family members going overseas to have a complete physical and mental examination. Both took and passed the physical without any problem. Next, they went to see the psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist spoke with them together for a few minutes. He took note that the husband was very opinionated and especially abusive toward his wife. In fact, he insulted and berated her in front of the psychiatrist. She never did reply to any of this, but sat with a rather pleasant expression on her face. After about twenty minutes the psychiatrist told them he would like to see them separately, and asked the husband to go out into the waiting room.
After the husband had left the room the psychiatrist said: “There is something that I am puzzled about. Your husband is a very harsh, aggressive man, and especially so toward you. He has gone out of his way to insult you, called you uncomplimentary names, and otherwise been nasty. You never did say a word. You have not even looked unhappy. Doesn’t his behavior bother you, make you angry, or anything?”
“Oh, yes, it bothers me, and I wish he did not act like he does. But I have my own special way of getting even with him every day.”
“Please tell me about your special way of dealing with this.”
“Well, every morning when he goes off to work I watch out the front window until his car is out of sight. Then I run up the stairs as fast as I can to the bathroom. I take his toothbrush and scrub out the toilet bowl with it! And that helps me get rid of all my bad feelings.”
HE LEARNED A LESSON
The mental patient kept telling everyone that he was dead. Whatever was said to him, he always replied that he was dead. A young intern, who didn’t know much about mental illness, was assigned to the ward. He immediately decided that he could rationally explain things to the patient and convince him that he was not dead.
So the intern said to the patient: “ Tell me this. Could a dead man bleed?”
“No, of course not,” said the patient.
“Then let me have your hand so I can prove something to you.”
He took the patient’s hand and jabbed one finger hard with a needle. The blood came gushing out.
“Now what does that prove to you?” the intern asked.
“Well, it proves I was wrong. Dead men do bleed!”
HIS FIRST DATE
The teenage boy was nervous about his first date. He was not sure how to talk with the girl. He decided to ask an older teenage boy for advice. The more experienced boy told him: “Look into her eyes and say, ‘when I look into your eyes all time stand still.’ That will really impress her.”
On the date, the younger boy remembered the advice and turning to his date, he said: “You have a face that would stop a clock.”
THE MAJOR’S FAMILY
The major ran his home just as if it was a military unit, by strict military protocol. One day when he came home the first thing he saw was a broken window in the kitchen.
He yelled for his wife, because she was the Officer of the Day that day. When she came, he ordered her to assemble the children. The three hurried to the kitchen and stood at attention in front of the major.
“All right, men,” he said, “as you can see the window is broken and I am conducting an investigation.”
He turned to the nine-year-old son and asked if he knew anything about the crime. He replied that he did not and was dismissed.
Addressing the seven-year-old got the same response, so he too was dismissed.
He then came to the five-year-old and said: “Young man, do you know anything about this broken window?”
“Yes, sir,” he admitted.
“Did you break it?”
“Yes, sir, I did it.”
“Well, then young man. Do you have anything to say on your behalf before I pass sentence on you?”
“Yes, sir, I have. How can I get a transfer out of this chicken outfit?”
WHERE DID IT GO?
The young preacher in his first pastorate was very uneasy because of his lack of experience. For that reason, he always wrote out his sermons word for word. Each Sunday he got to Church early and went to the pulpit to spread out the pages of his sermon before the people arrived. After that, he would go to the study to pray.
One Sunday after he had done this two little boys came in and were playing around in the church. They even went up to the pulpit and looked over his sermon notes. In the process, they got the pages out of sequence.
Time for the sermon came and the young preacher began. He read to the end of page one, which said: “And Adam said to Eve.”
But turning to page two, he could quickly see that the next sentence did not fit. So he repeated with emphasis: “And Adam said to Eve.” But the next line didn’t make any sense.
Finally he made one more attempt: “And Adam said to Eve.” ”Gosh, folks, there seems to be a leaf missing.”
WAIT, MISTER TRASHMAN
One morning the lady of the house looked a mess. She had on a comfortable old robe and a pair of house shoes, but they looked like rejects from a goodwill box. Her hair had not been combed and there were several hair rollers hanging down. All in all, if she had mounted a broom she would have been ready for a leading role in Halloween.
Just then, she heard the trash truck going past her house and down the street. And she realized her bag of trash had not been put out by the front curb. So she grabbed the bag and ran down the street.
When she reached the truck, she yelled to the collector: “Do you still have room?”
He looked her over and replied, “Sure, jump right in!”
THE REUNION
The high school was having a twenty-year reunion, and it was the first one. So all the returning graduates had much to talk about.
To everyone’s great surprise, the class clown, and the one voted least likely to succeed at anything, had become a very rich man. He had become a millionaire several times over. He had expensive clothes, diamonds, houses, cars, anything he wanted.
The classmates and teachers were curious how he had done it.
“Well,” he explained, “it really has been easy. What I did nearly twenty years ago was to find a man in Hong Kong who sold ballpoint pens cheap. So I started buying ballpoint pens from him for one dollar. Then I turn around and sell them for four dollars. You just can’t beat that four per cent profit!”
GOOD QUESTION
One teenage girl said to another: “I guess I could go out with him until something better comes along. But the thing that bothers me is, what if something better comes along and sees me with him?”
THE LOG BOOK
The captain of the freighter had a mate who was constantly drunk. Every day he put the mate on report to no avail. One day the captain got sick and was forced to turn operations over to the mate.
When the mate went to enter the day’s events in the logbook, he saw what the captain had written about him day after day.
It said: “The mate was drunk today. Unable to function.”
After giving the matter some thought the mate made his entry: “The captain was sober today.”
LITTLE GEORGE
Little George was not doing well in fifth grade history, and his parents were asked to come for a conference. The teacher explained that George was not well motivated, and showed little interest in history.
It was agreed that perhaps a family vacation to historical sites would stimulate George’s interest. Therefore, a long trip was planned with care and high hopes.
Before leaving home, George’s father gave him a little notebook and pencil to write down any points that were of interest to him.
They went to Jamestown, Washington, DC, New York City, and then started west.
George did not show a glimmer of interest, and never took out his little notebook.
Finally, they came to the Grand Canyon, the last stop before heading home. For the first time, George didn’t look bored. He looked over the side and gazed way down into the Canyon far below. “How deep is this canyon?” he asked a park ranger. “Oh, it’s about a mile down,” he replied.
Quick as a flash, Little George took out his notebook and pencil and began to write. His parents were very pleased that he showed interest at long last. They could hardly wait for George to get to sleep that night so they might sneak a look at the notebook and see what he wrote.
When they got the notebook, father read aloud: “Page 1. August 14. Today I spit one mile!”
THE BEST WAY TO PRAY
The pastor asked several deacons to explain what they found to be the best way to pray.
One described the great amount of thought he had given to the subject. He had decided that it was best to pray while standing erect, looking toward heaven, with outstretched hands, and aloud.
A second did not agree for he thought it best to pray while kneeling devoutly, hands clasped, eyes closed, and silently.
The third deacon confessed that he had not given too much thought to the matter. But he recalled that he had no trouble at all in praying last week when he fell into a well and was hanging upside down.
AN ARROGANT TEXAN
We might as well admit what everyone else in the world has suspected; we do have a few arrogant Texans. There is a story about one arrogant Texan who wanted to experience flying in an open cockpit airplane. He talked a crop duster into taking him up for such a flight.
The pilot gave him a parachute and was about to explain its use. But the Texan told him abruptly that although he had never seen one before, he knew exactly how the thing worked.
So he put on the parachute and they took off. As bad luck would have it, the engine stopped and they had to bail out.
The arrogant Texan pulled the ripcord, but nothing happened. He found another cord and pulled it too. Still, nothing happened.
About this time as he was falling rapidly toward earth, another Texan passed him going up. He yelled to the one going up: “Do you know anything about parachutes?”
The second replied: “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
ADVICE ON MARRIAGE
An older man was giving advise to a younger one. “A man should never marry a pretty woman in preference to an ugly woman. The pretty ones too often grow tired of you and are then lured away by someone else.”
“But,” said the young man, ”isn’t the same thing liable to happen to an ugly woman?”
”Sure,” was the reply, “but who cares”?
SWEET MILK?
In 1953, I spent several weeks at the U.S. Army Chaplain School. At that time, it was located at Fort Slocum, N.Y. on a small island in Long Island Sound. We could leave the island when not in class and it took about twenty minutes by boat to get to the mainland. Then we were less that an hour from New York City by train, so there were many opportunities to see the sights.
One Saturday several of us were in New York City in the late afternoon, so we decided to have dinner at a restaurant near Times Square. We each gave our orders to the waiter, and then he asked what we would like to drink.
One young Chaplain from Mississippi said he would like a glass of sweet milk with his meal. The waiter asked him to repeat his drink order, which he did.
This clearly puzzled the waiter, who evidently had never been to Mississippi, nor heard of sweet milk.
After a moment of thought he replied: “Mac, all we got to serve here is plain milk. But there’s the sugar bowl on the table. Once you’ve got the milk you can put anything you want to in it!”
TOO MUCH BICKERING
Long, long ago a group of monks lived in the monastery high up in the mountains. They were very isolated from the rest of the world and rarely saw anyone from outside their monastery. All day they worked hard at their jobs, spent hours in prayer and contemplation, and observed absolute silence. It was a rule of their order that they never spoke. They were very holy men.
One cold winter day a letter came from the bishop which said a change had been made in the rule of silence. In the future, on March 1st every fifth year, the oldest member of the order could speak one sentence.
They were all very excited about this change and looked forward to what the oldest member might say. Finally March 1st came and all gathered in the large dining room to listen to the words of wisdom.
The very old holy man stood up, looked around at every face and said with vigor: “I hate the oatmeal that is served here every morning for breakfast.”
He sat down and they continued their tasks in silence.
They waited five more years until the next holy man could stand and speak. Finally, the time arrived. They sat with great anticipation.
He stood in their midst, looked about at all their faces and said: “I never have liked the oatmeal we have every morning for breakfast either.”
He sat down and their lives went on in silence.
Another five years passed and it was time to gather to hear the next oldest.
He stood, looked around at all their faces and said: “I have decided to leave here, because I just can’t stand all this bickering.”
FIRST CLASS
A beautiful young blond boarded an airplane in Phoenix bound for New York. Her ticket was for the Coach section but she looked around and saw an empty seat in First Class. The First Class seat appeared to be much larger and more comfortable. She decided to move forward and take the seat in First Class. However, the flight attendant saw her move and asked to see her ticket.
“Your ticket is for the Coach section so you will need to move to the rear of the plane,” she said.
But the blond replied, “I’m young, blond and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to New York.”
This flustered the flight attendant so she went to the cockpit and reported the problem to the Captain. The Captain came back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in the Coach section and she would have to move before they could take off.
Again the blond replied, “I’m young, blond and beautiful, and I’m going to sit right here all the way to New York.”
The Captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, so he returned to cockpit to discuss the blond problem with his co-pilot.
The co-pilot said he had a blond girl friend, and that he could solve the matter in just a moment. He went to the First Class section, leaned over and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She jumped out of the seat, said, “Thank you!” She hugged the co-pilot and quickly went to her assigned seat in the Coach section.
The Captain and flight attendant who were watching with rapt attention asked the co-pilot what he had said to the woman that caused her to move. “Oh,” he said, “I just told her that the First Class section isn’t going to New York.”
ADAM’S WHAT?
The little boy opened his grandmother’s large old Bible. He turned the pages with fascination. As he did so something fell out of the Bible on the floor. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a leaf his grandmother had press between the pages many years before.
“Grandma, look what I found,” he cried out. “What have you got there?” grandmother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, he answered, “I think its Adam’s suit.”
SHORT NOTICE PRIEST
There was a priest who became well known for being able to give a sermon on any subject at very short notice. He even challenged his fellow priests, saying he would come to their church and give a sermon on a subject of their choice, without any preparation.
One priest took up the challenge, and invited him to his church. Before the service started he explained that he would hand the visiting priest a piece of paper with one word written on it as he climbed the steps to the pulpit. The visitor would have to provide a passage or reference from the Bible and preach a sermon on the subject.
All went well, and at the appointed time the visitor received the paper as he climbed the steps to the pulpit. He opened the paper to find the single word “constipation.”
He opened the Bible and read to the congregation, “And Moses took two tablets and went up into the mountain.”
UNCLE JED AND THE PIG
Uncle Jed was riding through town one day when he saw a pig jump out of the back of a pick up truck. The pickup driver was going so fast he didn’t know what the pig had done.
Uncle Jed stopped to see if the pig was OK. About that time a policeman came along too so Uncle Jed asked the officer what he should do with the pig. The officer replied, “Well, I think you should take him to the zoo.” Uncle Jed thanked him and said that was what he would do.
The next day the same policeman saw Uncle Jed in town with the pig. He said, “Uncle Jed, I thought you were going to take that pig to the zoo.” “Oh, I did take him to the zoo.” Uncle Jed replied. “He liked it so much that we are going to a baseball game today!”
THREE HUTS
One balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship spied smoke coming for one of three huts on an island they thought was deserted. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a survivor. He said, “I’m so glad you’re here. I’ve been all alone on this island for five years!”
The Captain of the ship replied, “But we saw three huts.”
The survivor said, “Oh. Well I live in one, and go to church in another.” “What about the third hut?” the Captain asked. “That’s where I used to go to church but it was too liberal.”
WHAT A DIAGNOSIS
A mother consulted the family doctor about her daughter’s strange eating habits. “All day long she lies in the bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?
“Eventually she will rise and shine,” replied the doctor.
HER FIRST FLIGHT
Grandma Esther was excited to be taking her very first flight from Israel to America. They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the flight attendant that her ears were popping.
The attendant smiled and gave her some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experience the same discomfort, but chewing gum usually helps.
When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the flight attendant. “The chewing gum worked fine. But tell me, how do I get it out of my ears now?”
JESUS IS WATCHING YOU
The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the dark home filling his bag with valuables. As he reached his hand out to a box of jewels he heard a voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”
Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn’t dare breath, much less make a sound. Finally, he switched on his flashlight and carefully looked around the room, but he saw nothing. Convinced it must have been his imagination he turned off the flashlight and continued to fill his bag.
He was busy disconnecting the stereo set when he again heard: “Jesus is watching you!” This time he nearly jumped out of his skin. Beads of sweat popped out on his face. He switched on his flashlight again, and the beam shook violently from his terror. He looked about the room and noticed a birdcage in the corner. As he made a closer inspection, he discovered a parrot in the cage.
“Are you the one who spoke to me just now?” asked the burglar.
“Yes, I am,” replied the parrot.
“Why did you say ‘Jesus is watching you?’” asked the burglar.
“Because I felt like you needed to be warned,” replied the parrot.
By this time the burglar was getting over his fright and was more than a little annoyed at this smart-mouthed parrot that had scared the daylights out of him.
“What is your name?” asked the burglar.
“Moses,” said the parrot.
“Moses! What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?”
“The same kind of people that would name their 90 pound Pit Bull Jesus,” said the parrot.
BURGLARS IN THE KITCHEN
The husband and wife were sleeping soundly in their upstairs bedroom, when the wife heard a noise downstairs. “Walk up,” she cried, nudging her husband.
“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they are eating the pot roast I made last night!”
“What do we care,” said the husband, “as long as they don’t die in the house.”
THE DYING SCOTSMAN
A Scotsman was dying. On his deathbed, he looked up and said, “Is my wife here?”
His wife replied, “Yes, dear, I’m here, right next to you.”
He then asked, “Are my three children here?”
“Yes, daddy, we are all here, right next to you.”
He paused a moment and asked, “Are all my other relatives here too?”
They replied, “Yes, we are all here, right next to you.”
The Scot looked up and said, “Then why is the light on in the kitchen?”
SERIOUS TIMES
The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
“We need a fourth player for a poker game, can you come?” said the friend.
“I’ll be right over. Don’t do anything until I get there,” he said.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it something serious, dear?”
“Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are already three doctors there.”
SAY THE BLESSING
A wife invited some people to dinner. When they sat down at the table to eat the wife turned to their six year old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing tonight?”
“But I wouldn’t know what to say,” the daughter replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.
So the daughter bowed her head and said, “O Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to come to dinner?”
GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS
The wife called her husband at work. The husband informed her that he was sorry but he was up to his neck in work and she would have to be brief.
“But dear, I have some good news and some bad news.”
“Honey, I’m so busy, just give me the good news now,” he said.
“The good news is the air bag works.”
BEGINNING TO FORGET
An elderly husband and wife noticed they were beginning to forget many things around the house. They were afraid this could be dangerous, as one of them might forget to turn off the stove and cause a fire. So, they decided to see the family doctor for some help.
Their doctor told them that many people their age find it helpful to write themselves notes as reminders. The elderly couple liked the suggestion and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.
That evening as they were watching TV the wife said, “Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write it down so you won’t forget.”
“Nonsense,” said the husband. “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”
“Well, I think I would like some strawberries on it too. You better write it down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband. “A dish of ice cream with strawberries on it. I can remember that!”
“OK, dear, but I’d like some whipped cream on top. Now you better write it down now. You’ll forget.”
“Come on now, my memory is not all that bad. No problem, a dish of ice cream, with strawberries, and whipped cream on top.”
With that, the husband went into the kitchen and closed the door behind him. His wife could him making noise like he was real busy. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “I told you to write it down. You forgot the toast.”
THE SEA OF GALILEE
An Englishman was visiting the Holy Land for the first time. When he got to the Sea of Galilee he decided to cross to the other side and see the sights there. So he asked the owner of a boat how much he would charge to take him across. “My charge is $100.00,” replied the boat owner.
“$100.00! That’s outrageous. You can see the other side from here. Why do you charge so much?”
“Because this where Jesus walked on the water,” said the boat owner.
“Well, I shouldn’t wonder that He would walk across at these prices!” said the Englishman.
THE COMMON COLD
“Its just a cold, Sam,” the doctor said. “There is no cure for it, so you’ll just have to live with it a few days until it goes away.”
“But doctor,” Sam whined, “It’s making me feel so miserable. You gotta do something.”
The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said, “Look, Sam, you go home and take a really hot bath. Then put on your bathing suit and run around the block in the snow at least three times.”
“What!” the patient exclaimed. “If I do that, I’ll get pneumonia for sure.”
“Yes, I know,” said the doctor, “but we have a cure for pneumonia.”
SWINDLED
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, “Read all about it! Read all about it! Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!”
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page, then the inside pages. Finding nothing there, the man said, “Hey boy, there’s nothing in here about fifty people being swindled.”
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, “Fifty-one people swindled! Fifty-one people swindled!”
THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT
David bought his wife a beautiful piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, his friend Bill asked him how his wife was doing with her new piano.
“Oh,” said David, “I persuaded her to exchange the piano for a clarinet.”
“Really. Why did you do that,” asked Bill.
“Well,” said David, “because with a clarinet she can’t sing.”
MEMORY TEST
Three old men went to see the doctor to take a memory test. The doctor said to the first one, “What are three times three?”
“258,” was the reply.
He said to the second man, “Now its your turn. What is three times three?”
“Tuesday,” was the reply.
The doctor turned to the third man and said, “Now its your turn. What is three time three?”
“Nine,” said the third man.
“That’s great!” said the doctor. “How did you get it?”
Its simple,” said the third man. “I just subtracted 258 from Tuesday.”
PEANUTS
It was Spring break from school so three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon a policeman picked them up for causing a commotion.
The officer hauled them off to the security office for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to state their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.
The first boy said innocently, “My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.”
The second boy added, “My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.”
The third boy was a little shaken up and said, “My name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts.”
THE PROFESSOR’S AGE
The college professor asked his class a question. “If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York, and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia, how old am I?” One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when the professor called on him he said, “You are 44.”
The professor said, “You are absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?”
The student replied, “It easy professor. I have a brother who is 22 and he’s half nuts.”
THIS IS WHAT SHE NEEDS
Fred was a good man and provided well for his wife. However, he did not show affection to her. After several years this lack of expression became a major problem for his wife, so she decided they had to go see a psychiatrist for some help.
When they arrived at the appointment she explained the situation to the psychiatrist who said, “I understand, and have a cure for you.” He went over to the wife, gave her a long and passionate hug and kiss. Then he said to Fred, “That’s what your wife needs, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Can you handle that?”
“Well, doc, there’s a little problem. On Monday and Wednesday I can bring her by here OK, but I play golf on Fridays.”
THE GOLFER
As a young man Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a very strict order. He took the usual vows of poverty and chastity, but his order also required that he give up golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but after a struggle he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.
One Sunday morning Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny spring day, decided he just had to go play golf.
So, he told the priest who was his assistant that he was feeling sick and he should say Mass that day. As soon as the other priest went into the church Father Norton headed out of town for a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time St. Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “Lord, you are not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
And the Lord said, “No, I guess not. He will have to be punished.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight toward the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled on and fell into the hole. It was a 420-yard hole in one!
St. Peter was astonished for he was expecting Father Norton to be punished. “Why, Lord, why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “A once in a lifetime exceptional hole in one, but who is he going to tell?”
FAST ON HIS FEET
One day, a man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. But the man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk out there wants to buy only half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Boajvill, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Boajvill," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing up there but ugly women and base ball players."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Boajvill!"
"No kidding?" replied the boy "What team did she play for?"
SAY WHAT?
The Minister of the First
Church, who was greatly impressed with himself and his many abilities as a
scholar, died rather suddenly. To his amazement and pleasure, the Lord Himself
met him at the Pearly Gates. The Lord welcomed him and then said: “It has been a
long time since I was on earth; tell Me, who do men say that I am?” The newly
departed quickly decided this was his one big chance to impress the Lord.
“Well, Lord,” he said, “according to a great German theologian, Thou
art ultimate concern in the decisive search for meaning and the despair of it;
You are the ground of all our being.”
“A world renowned theologian has developed the form-critical methods
of knowing who You are as he demythologized the Gospel accounts existentially.”
“A great specialist of the mind has said You are the chief
self-actualizer who leads each man to the maximum realization of his own unique
potential characteristics.” And the Lord said, “HUH?”
LET'S GO FISHING
There was an old man in
the little fishing village that always caught more fish than any other
fisherman. And he always fished alone. Everyone asked him about the secret of
his success, but he wouldn’t tell.
One day, however, his best friend, who was also the game warden, asked
if he could go and observe his fishing methods. To everyone’s surprise, he
agreed that his friend could go with him. Just after dawn the two of them left
the boat dock and went way out in the bay, far out of sight of land. As the sun
was beginning to come up the old fisherman turned off the motor and announced,
“this is the spot we catch ‘em today.”
Then he reached into his tackle box, pulled out four sticks of
dynamite, lit the fuses and tossed them out into the water. His friend the game
warden looked on with horror as the dynamite sank deep then exploded with a
mighty splash. Quickly the bay was covered with dead fish floating on top of the
water. The old fisherman started the motor and slowly cruised around picking up
the fish. In a few minutes, there was a huge pile of fish on board.
Finally, the game warden spoke: “You know I am your best friend, but you also know I am the game warden. What you have done is so illegal I will have to arrest you.”
By that time, the old fisherman had pulled out another stick of dynamite, which he lit and when the fuse was only two inches long, he put it over in the game warden’s lap. “Are you just gonna sit there and talk, or are you gonna start fishing?”
DIED IN HER SLEEP
Did you hear about the 98 year old lady who died in her sleep the other day? It was a very peaceful death for her. But the four passengers riding in the car with her were pretty banged up.
How Was Your Day, Dear?
One afternoon a man came home home from work to find total mayhem. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud. Food items and wrapper were scattered all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was standing open, as was the front door of the house.
As he entered the house he saw an even greater mess. A lamp was knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded up against one wall. In the family room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, and dog food was on the floor. A broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and piles of clothes as he looked for his wife. He was worried that she was sick or something serious had happened to her.
Going to the bedroom he found her lounging in the bed, still in her pajamas, and reading a novel. She looked up at him, gave a big smile and asked: "How was your day, dear?"
He looked at her bewildered and said: "What in the world happened here today?"
She continued to smile and answered, "You know every day you come home from work and ask me what did I do all day?"
"Yes, of course" was his incredulous reply.
She answered: "Well, today I didn't do it!"
Needs Advice
A man wearily spoke to his minister say, "I need help! I'm married to the meanest woman alive. Why, just last night she threatened to put poison in my food if I didn't do as she told me. Would you please see her and try to talk some sense into her?"
The minister agreed and made an appointment with the wife. The next day the exasperated husband asked the minister, "Well, how did it go when you saw my wife?"
The minister replied, "I spent over two hours talking with your wife and I have some advice for you. Take the poison."
Religious Dog
A fundamentalist Christian couple decided they would like to have a dog. But they felt it was important to have a dog who was also of the fundamentalist persuasion. They went to a kennel specializing in this breed and found one they especially liked.
Before buying him they wanted to be sure and decided to give him a test or two. When they asked him to fetch a Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed he to look up the 23rd Psalm, he complied fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, bought the dog, and went home.
That evening they had friends stop by for a visit. After a bit they called in their new fundamentalist dog to show off his skills. Naturally the friends were impressed when he got the Bible and turned quickly to the 23rd Psalm. One of the visitors asked if he could also do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about any "normal" dog tricks.
"Well," the owner said, "let's try this out." He called the dog again and clearly pronounced the command, "HEEL."
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up on his lap, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head in prayer.
The Vegetable Garden
A prisoner received a letter from his wife one day. In the letter she said, "I have decided to plant some vegetables in the back garden, but I am not sure when to do it. When is the best time to plant vegetables?"
The prisoner, knowing that all mail was read by a prison guard, replied, "Whatever you do, do not touch the back garden plot. I repeat, do not dig in the garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A few days later he got another letter from his wife which said, "You won't believe what happened! This morning some men with shovels came to the house and dug up the whole garden."
The prisoner wrote a reply letter to his wife which said, "Now is the best time to plant the vegetables."
Sunday School Pupil
A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her class of six year old boys. After explaining, "Honor thy Father and Mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill."
Come Fly With Me
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a huge forest fire. However, smoke at the scene was too thick for him to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office asking that they hire an airplane. "It will be waiting for out at the airport," he was assured by the editor.
Her hurried out to the small rural airport, and sure enough a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The young man at the controls swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire and make three or four low level passed," said the photographer.
"Why should I do that?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"
After a long pause the pilot asked, "You mean you are not the instructor?"
An Embarrassing Question
One day a little girl was sitting in the kitchen watching her mother wash dishes in the sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some on your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mom, how come ALL of grandmothers hairs are white then?"
Computer Help
A man purchased a new computer and ran into some problems while getting it set up. He found the customer support phone number and made a call. The technician who answered asked about the problem, then began to rattle out a lot of computer jargon.
This confused the new owner even more, so he said politely, "Sir, I don't understand a thing you have said. Can you explain this what I should do as if I were a small child?"
"Okay," said the computer guy. "Sonny, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"
Where's The Reward?
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. Fortunately it was found by an honest little boy who promptly returned it to her.
Looking into her purse, she commented, "That's very strange. When I lost my bag I had a $20.00 bill. Now there are 20 $1.00 bills.
The boy quickly replied, "That's right. The last time I found a purse, the lady didn't have any change for a reward."
Moving Furniture
Joe, John, and Bob were moving furniture. While Joe and John were struggling with a particularly heavy oak wardrobe, Bob was nowhere in sight.
"John, where's Bob?" asked Joe. "He should be helping us with this heavy thing."
"He is helping," said John. "He's inside holding the clothes hangers in place!"
Goodbye, Mother
A man was in the supermarket picking up a few things when noticed an old lady seemed to be following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued his shopping. Finally when he went to the checkout line she was in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look so much like my son. He moved to California and I haven't seen him for years."
"I'm very sorry," he said to her. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, could you say 'Goodbye, Mother'? It would make me feel better."
"Sure," he said. He thought it was an odd request, but maybe it would make her feel better. So as the old lady was leaving the checkout, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
When it was his turn the checkout total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked the checkout clerk. "I only purchased a few items!"
"Oh, your mother said you would pay for her's too," explained the clerk.
The Kiss
Four strangers traveled in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old, and she was decked out in the finest furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a very beautiful 20 year old woman who looked like someone right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a 49 year man who was a highly decorated Army Sergeant Major. Next to the Sergeant Major was an Army Private fresh out of basic training.
As these four strangers traveled they carried on casual conversation about trivial matters. The train entered a long tunnel, and they sat there in complete darkness and total silence. Suddenly the silence was broken by the distinct sound of a kiss, and that was followed by a loud slap that could be heard throughout the compartment.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have enough respect and dignity to slap someone who gives her an unwanted kiss?"
The young woman was shaking her head and greatly puzzled. "Why would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could even think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the Private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a Private can kiss the back of his hand, then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"